Trust is so simple... Yet so hard.

Today I find myself sitting here with the doubts again. I am thinking what is that person thinking and are they lying to me? I get that gut feeling when I open up to someone that I did the wrong thing. That they don't tell me what they really think cause they don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of feeling this way and I try all day long to pull myself out of this funk and I just can't! I have so much doubt in myself how can I not doubt all those around me? I want to stop it and I'm working on it everyday. I just get so tired somedays though fighting to be happy. I get tired of feeling so alone in the world. I know I am not in my rational mind. Knowing it though and feeling it are two different things for sure. I don't have the confidence others see in me and I wish I did.

Just sometimes I wish I could wake up and look at the day with out doubt and have my trust issues in myself and others be back. It is so hard cause I lost them before I can even remember. I think really the fact my years growing up had abuse and miss trust and doubt I don't know how it feels. Just momments here and there. It always ends and back to wondering. I just want to move on and find my happiness...

Well today I'm letting this all out. My trust has to come back and first will be loving who I am inside and out. Working out today and going to force myself to do this everyday. No more trying and falling back an maybe if I get trust in myself again that I can do something and not give up on myself... Then I can start to trust and believe others in my life. Before I push someone out of my life again an lose them like I have many times in the past. It stops now and I am ready to be happy. I just have to have what it takes to not give up on myself. I can do this! :)

Thanks again for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Finding peace with my feelings

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write a new blog... It has been a long week of having to deal with a lot of emotions and working long and hard hours on little sleep. It is not the ideal type of days to write a blog and I made the choice to wait to write. Till I could give this blog the attention it deserved.

I also didnt know what to write cause I didnt know what I was really feeling. I have been working so much an then some worry on my mind too. I was starting to feel better though about friday night and was going to write and then I seen something and it set me off. So the last few days have left me in a angry pissed off mood. I hate feeling like this cause it seems to take over me when I'm mad and I want to lash out. Yet I caught myself holding back again. I dont know maybe it is a good thing to hold in sometimes and others not? I have yet to find the balance? At what point is it not okay to let something go and speak up. I know the past with my brother was something I could not hold in and had to be talked about and let out. An I know I should never let myself be walked on for fear of loss or out of feeling bad. Yet how do you tell when it is a battle worth fighting or to walk away???

I have changed in the sense my world has not fallen apart when something goes bad or makes me mad. The reactions is different then what it used to be for me. I used to drink or disapear into my world of hate and just say f*** the world and then go crying and saying I am sorry for getting mad and blowing up drunk. So many nights saying sorry for letting out my emotions in a negitive way.

I guess I am answering my question when it is worth fighting and bringing it all out an when to walk away. The time to walk away is when it will do no good but a negitive to push the issue. I want to give attention to those I care for and say I do notice and there but not when the attention they are wanting is wrong kind. I guess the best thing to do is say that hurt my feelings and walk away with that kind of thing. Be the better person and make them treat me better then that. By doing that also deserving that better treatment.

I love writing it gives my thoughts a way to clear and focus. My racing thoughts and ptsd can sometimes be so bad that I cant follow a thought long enough without my head hurting and forgetting what I even started with sometimes. I get lost in the randomness that my thoughts are at times. I feel so much better now writing this that I wish I would of wrote sooner now. I guess I didnt realize how much my writing really has been important to me. :)

Well I guess I can say I have changed I got sad this week and it was a hard one and then it got very bad this weekend but I held it together and here I am again writing to you you all and writing to myself at the same time. I didnt give up and I didnt run and hide from my troubles and problems... I wrote it out and understand them and now solved them for myself... This girl is not so lost anymore and not so much a girl anymore. I feel more like a woman and a strong one at that then I have ever.

With that said I will be heading to bed. Till next time I write thanks for reading again and I will try to catch up on my writing and my other page more soon! No more weeks like this last one I promise!!

Thanks everyone,

Lost Wisconsin Woman (not a girl tonight)


(Side note the wibsite will be getting a major update and a recipe add will be added to it soon!!! So I can get your recipes and you can see how it goes with me trying them haha... pics and stories of how I did great with them or failed... either way it should be fun! )