Finding confidence in myself I had lost so long ago

Here I find myself again turning to my writing to get my emotions out. This time I feel like I have waited way too long to do this. I know it clears my mind but I think I have been almost fearing it? I have been going through alot of ups and downs of the past few weeks and some I could talk about and others well not so much. It has been not easy but I have made it through it I think with a smile and being honest with myself.

I think another reason for the lack of blog is I felt I had to do this without writing and the hearing the feedback from it to know I was making the right choices. I wanted to stumble and pick myself up and I have done so. I'm fairly happy with my life. Granted it is not the perfect life one would see in there day dreams or when they picture what would be a dream life but who really ever gets that? My idea of my perfection is the friends and family I have around me that can make me laugh. My perfection is just the simple things that give my life more meaning then the day before. The smile or thank you of helping someone or lately the smile and thank you from me to someone else for doing the same for me.

I'm starting to have a better self image of myself but I have a long ways to go yet. I know that I will never see myself as others will. I'm ok with that and I'm not sad of that fact. I know that the person I am is the best I can be for me. I just do what feels right and look at myself and content and that is good enough to me. I no longer look for others to tell me that I'm ok. It is not that it is not still great to hear but I dont NEED it no more to feel happy. I can make myself happy thank you but I so do love to share my happy times. :)

Well I am still feeling a little scattered as to my thoughts but I think that is okay I dont have to know it all and leave with the happy high from writing lol. It is a nice high but I dont think I need it. I do have a bit of peace in my heart right now though and that is kind of nice. A content feeling like I know I'm in the right frame of mind and if I just stick to it the things in my life will fall into place and will be happy. I just have to have the patients for the baby steps and for the waiting. An to not doubt myself. Be the silly girl that I have been so many times in the past. Show confidence in myself... Even if at times I am still very much the scared little Wisconsin girl. Atleast I have my voice now though and with that I will not ever stay that or really go back to that. An knowing that tonight. makes me happy!

Thanks for reading again..

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Trust is so simple... Yet so hard.

Today I find myself sitting here with the doubts again. I am thinking what is that person thinking and are they lying to me? I get that gut feeling when I open up to someone that I did the wrong thing. That they don't tell me what they really think cause they don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of feeling this way and I try all day long to pull myself out of this funk and I just can't! I have so much doubt in myself how can I not doubt all those around me? I want to stop it and I'm working on it everyday. I just get so tired somedays though fighting to be happy. I get tired of feeling so alone in the world. I know I am not in my rational mind. Knowing it though and feeling it are two different things for sure. I don't have the confidence others see in me and I wish I did.

Just sometimes I wish I could wake up and look at the day with out doubt and have my trust issues in myself and others be back. It is so hard cause I lost them before I can even remember. I think really the fact my years growing up had abuse and miss trust and doubt I don't know how it feels. Just momments here and there. It always ends and back to wondering. I just want to move on and find my happiness...

Well today I'm letting this all out. My trust has to come back and first will be loving who I am inside and out. Working out today and going to force myself to do this everyday. No more trying and falling back an maybe if I get trust in myself again that I can do something and not give up on myself... Then I can start to trust and believe others in my life. Before I push someone out of my life again an lose them like I have many times in the past. It stops now and I am ready to be happy. I just have to have what it takes to not give up on myself. I can do this! :)

Thanks again for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Finding peace with my feelings

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write a new blog... It has been a long week of having to deal with a lot of emotions and working long and hard hours on little sleep. It is not the ideal type of days to write a blog and I made the choice to wait to write. Till I could give this blog the attention it deserved.

I also didnt know what to write cause I didnt know what I was really feeling. I have been working so much an then some worry on my mind too. I was starting to feel better though about friday night and was going to write and then I seen something and it set me off. So the last few days have left me in a angry pissed off mood. I hate feeling like this cause it seems to take over me when I'm mad and I want to lash out. Yet I caught myself holding back again. I dont know maybe it is a good thing to hold in sometimes and others not? I have yet to find the balance? At what point is it not okay to let something go and speak up. I know the past with my brother was something I could not hold in and had to be talked about and let out. An I know I should never let myself be walked on for fear of loss or out of feeling bad. Yet how do you tell when it is a battle worth fighting or to walk away???

I have changed in the sense my world has not fallen apart when something goes bad or makes me mad. The reactions is different then what it used to be for me. I used to drink or disapear into my world of hate and just say f*** the world and then go crying and saying I am sorry for getting mad and blowing up drunk. So many nights saying sorry for letting out my emotions in a negitive way.

I guess I am answering my question when it is worth fighting and bringing it all out an when to walk away. The time to walk away is when it will do no good but a negitive to push the issue. I want to give attention to those I care for and say I do notice and there but not when the attention they are wanting is wrong kind. I guess the best thing to do is say that hurt my feelings and walk away with that kind of thing. Be the better person and make them treat me better then that. By doing that also deserving that better treatment.

I love writing it gives my thoughts a way to clear and focus. My racing thoughts and ptsd can sometimes be so bad that I cant follow a thought long enough without my head hurting and forgetting what I even started with sometimes. I get lost in the randomness that my thoughts are at times. I feel so much better now writing this that I wish I would of wrote sooner now. I guess I didnt realize how much my writing really has been important to me. :)

Well I guess I can say I have changed I got sad this week and it was a hard one and then it got very bad this weekend but I held it together and here I am again writing to you you all and writing to myself at the same time. I didnt give up and I didnt run and hide from my troubles and problems... I wrote it out and understand them and now solved them for myself... This girl is not so lost anymore and not so much a girl anymore. I feel more like a woman and a strong one at that then I have ever.

With that said I will be heading to bed. Till next time I write thanks for reading again and I will try to catch up on my writing and my other page more soon! No more weeks like this last one I promise!!

Thanks everyone,

Lost Wisconsin Woman (not a girl tonight)


(Side note the wibsite will be getting a major update and a recipe add will be added to it soon!!! So I can get your recipes and you can see how it goes with me trying them haha... pics and stories of how I did great with them or failed... either way it should be fun! )

Listening to the thoughts of others

Today I was thinking of all the people I have talked to lately and all the things they have told me. People are not all that different really if you take the time to listen to them and hear what they say to you. We all really have the same basic wants from life... Happiness. It doesn’t matter how we find it or what gives it to us that is all we really want in life. I think it is really interesting to just talk to people and know what truly makes them happy. I think it is good to hear the things bring people happiness. Good to listen to people talk about what they want and the things that will make them happy. Makes you feel closer to the person. Also it will make the person you are listening feel good to share these thoughts.

I also see a caring in people when they share what makes them happy. For some it is about someone really special in their life or a goal to meet the person that will be that someone. Some it is just being healthy again and to do things. So different are the many little dreams, wishes and hopes. All these are reachable and all with the same end. The things will change person to person but that is always the end to it. Happiness!

I don’t care really what a person’s belief is in the world and what comes after it. I know I have my thoughts but really all it is in the end is about being at peace and happy. I think we spend most our life looking for that happiness and clinging to it when we find it if we are lucky enough to. I know it is what I want really so much. I want to find my place and not be lost in this world. I guess I am in envy of those I have talked to that have told me there happiness...

I envy them because I'm still lost in this world a little. I think I am starting to get what makes me happy and it is a day to day thing to figure out. I am still lost though. I don’t know some days what the next will hold. My dreams are still short term and they are getting bigger but slowly. I envy those who know there big goals and their happiness are in sight. I think mine might be but till I find myself and less lost. I'm just not there yet. Just have to take it one day at a time. I guess I am not as close as I thought I was to not being lost... but that is okay walking slowly on this road with eyes wide open and will miss nothing of trip.

Hearing others and seeing their joy talking about their happiness though does give me a lot. It gives me a hope I didn’t have before and that is the hope that one day I will know what my happiness will be and can make that big goal to reach out and get the happiness I want. The happiness that I and everyone else in the world deserves!

Thanks for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Great Days Ahead!

Today I got the time to write a blog in before the butt crack of dawn. YAY!!! HAHA! Really though I'm very glad I can. I am sitting here after a day of working and looking at a computer... sitting here and looking at a computer. No real change except this is much more fun! I got my music on and I can really tell my mood by what I am listening too and right now it is all happy music. Dream weaver la la la la. Really I cant say much about today other then it was no special day. Just peaceful and productive and that is about it.

Well just sitting here rocking out to my music like a complete dork cause I cant dance or sing. Could really care less what someone would say if they could see me now. Just having fun and I guess you could say living up to what I have been saying I was going to do. Just enjoying my life! It doesnt take much to do just have to find fun in everything you do. From making people laugh with a silly status or rocking out like a nerd in you house. Just flat out enjoying!

Now I know I am not completely without thought to everything around me. I still have worries and I still have things I wonder about. I know that I cant completely ignore these things and I'm not. I am just trying to be possitive, happy and have faith that things will be okay. After all nothing I cant make work out with time and work right?

Think I have found my peace and balance within myself. Now I just have to figure a few things out and I will be set. Maybe I am not so lost anymore after all? :) Only time will tell!

Well off here to make a awesome dinner and get on with my night. Till next time... live, laugh and HAVE A BLAST!

Thanks for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

A night of thoughts and possibilities

Tonight is kind of a slow one and I have time to sit down and write another blog. Things have been very busy for me lately just trying to try so many new things. Work is going so great and personal life is very calm. I'm left with kind of a calm to my thoughts tonight. I see all of these possibilities ahead of me and it makes me smile and happy. I like the clear thoughts in my head. Seeing what I can do if I just take the time and don't hold back at all. No is not a word I use lately or can't. I really can if I try hard enough. Also nothing is a waste of time ever. I found no matter what the thing is good or bad you learn from it. I have learned more and more each day. I love waking up and seeing myself and thinking of all the things I like about myself. Going out into the world and seeing the people around me. Smiling and making someones day. No better feeling out there really then that.

I have to say that in the past month how much I have grown as a person surprised me. Not just because I didn't think I could... It's that I didn't think it could be this easy. Just a few things to change my thinking. Letting out what I held in. Let in the great people around me and then just living! I guess I always been the person that sat and looked at those commercials of people saying do you feel that you're not doing all you could and saying yes. Thinking but that is not going to be what makes me happy and click the channel. Yes that is true that whatever was on the TV probably will not make me happy but that is not the point. I just said I was not happy! I was not doing all I could do. Not living the life I wanted how I wanted. So now I am looking cause it is 5 am and the darn infomercials are on lol. Thinking yes I am happy and no I don't feel I am not doing everything I can. I am at peace with me. I am happy with my life. Seeing all the possibilities out in front of me. I just have to work to get them and not give up till I do.

Life can only hold you down if you stop fighting it and let it knock you down for good. I refuse to let it do that to me. Will fight it all the way and never give up or doubt myself. There is no end to what I can do if I keep at it. I cant think of one thing I cant do! My dreams can come true. Dreams are not too far to reach... just have to put in the time to make the goals and to reach them. Small goals.. or BIG goals it doesn't matter. Just as long as you take the steps and reach them. Then no dream is too far to reach for anyone and never forget it!

Well again thank you for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Just a relaxing day

It has been a few days since I wrote a blog again. I keep meaning to write one after another but it seems life has been so busy for me I have not had the chance to do that. That is okay though because that just means I'm living my life and that is a good thing. I do love my writing though and it brings a focus to my day and life more then anything else. An I like to share my thoughts with people and just maybe make them feel glad they took the time to read my blog.

The last blog made me really happy cause of all the great things people had done for others. I have kept doing things for others and I love the feeling. I don't need the thank you for things I do just the doing is worth it to me. So many stories it makes me think. There is a lot of great people in the world I think though we have gotten so closed off to people cause of the bad. That we don't reach out and do good things for people we don't know cause we don't want to help the wrong person and get screwed. Thinking that if more people just took a chance and reached out and did for another just once they would be surprised. They would keep doing it and got in return the same things that worry of helping the wrong person would go. I think if there was just one person that added a space in the newspaper of just stories of people that have been touched by a random kindness of another it would touch a lot of people. Take one part out of sad and pain of bad out and put that in. Why are they so fast to make big stories out of the bad but the good stories get 2 or 3 short lines or only a few minutes on the news... Its not right and world is way out of balance.

Not much new to write really today and the last few days for sure. That is a good thing though I have been just busy with work and relaxing. I have done few things each day to help someone else and then just enjoyed my day. I really like it. I have felt a peace the last few days that I have never really felt before. I love it and how it makes me feel. I don't think I could or would ever go back to how I was before. I mean why would I do that too. It is not a hard choice. Happiness and low stress or go back to stress and anger. I would have to be a idiot to want to do that haha.

I am finding out what things I really love in my life too. I love music it gives me calm and energy. I love just spending time talking and being with the people I love and care about. I like to play games and just watch movies. Cooking relaxes me and makes me proud of myself. So many thing bring me joy! Writing has unlocked so many doors for me. Never really took the time to try to figure my likes and dislikes before. I am aware of things I do more too. I cant wait to see what tomorrow will bring and have a feeling it will be something great. No matter how big or small a thing it is I will find joy in it and it will be great!

Well I would like to say I have more to write today but well I just don't an I got some great movies I want to watch and to finish dinner too it is cooking. Yummy stuff! Maybe my next blog I will include a pic of my cooking and share that? I would like to do that maybe. lol. I am rambling so till next time...

Thanks for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

A helping hand

I call this blog a helping hand for a reason. I woke up today thinking about what I was going to do and I decided to try something. I got up and I put I dare you to... on all my messenger things and said it to a few people I work with. Almost everyone of course asked me exactly what I wanted them too. What is the the dare. The dare was nothing hard to do and was rather simple. I dare you to go out of your way to do a small kindness to someone else today. No matter how small or big just make them feel good. An like someone took the time to be nice and notice they were there. Make them feel there is still good people in the world. This was my plan for the day and I had no idea how big it would get. :)

Well I thought I was just going to get a few little things like I held the door for someone or waved someone on in traffic and stuff like that but some of these really shocked me. Here is some of the things that I got back for stories an I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It made my day to have inspired people to do things for others and it really made me happy! So I have to count myself as one of the people that this idea touched. So with that all said here is the first one...

The first one to tell me they had done what I had dared was a simple thing. They took the time to go and ask they people working for them a small office of people what they would like for lunch and bought everyone lunch that touched 7 people and made the friend of mine happy. An the rest of the day everyone was smiling and laughing more and it was a good day to work. An more work got done. That shows that when you are happy you have so much more energy and a better focus and just feels good to have a random surprise act of kindness cause now days it has sadly become every man for himself world. This story made me happy and I thought well that made it worth it right there. Yet this was just the start!

This next was just as simple and was a friend of mine that is a nurse in a busy hospital. She took the time as she was doing rounds to pause and talk to people a little more. She said she smiled more and she asked them how they were and stood still and listened and it was maybe 1 to 2 minutes more per person but it seemed to make people seem to calm a little and smile back. She said to me that she has gotten kind of so wrapped up in trying to be so fast that she forgot a little what it was like to be a nurse and get that feeling. Forgetting a little that was the reason she had wanted to be a nurse to help people and touch there lives and help make them well. I was very touched by this story and now I was really feeling like maybe I started something better then I thought! I was so happy for her I was smiling even more after that one. Thinking sometimes it makes a persons day just to know you took those 2 minutes to focus to them.

I got the next story in a call thanking me because one of my friends had reached out to a friend they had not heard from in awhile. This person said to me that she had not heard from her but knew she was just getting divorced and going through things so she made that her person to reach out to. Took her to lunch and said that her friend ended up crying saying that she was really feeling like no one wanted to do anything with her cause they didn't want to deal with her drama. That not only did she feel like her husband was leaving her but so were her friends. An it is sadly true we sometimes are so caught up in our own lives that we say our sorry to hear that and kind of leave people alone cause we don't like to see the sad. So she felt good that she did reach out and at the end of lunch they were laughing and she told her they would be doing a lot more things. I was happy to hear that an it is true we need to reach out to the friends we have more and just ask how are you really doing? The answer might shock you and they might just be waiting for someone they can let things out to. Doesn't take much time out of your day and look at the difference it can make. I was just in amazement.

I was so impressed by these big things but I found even the small stories of I opened the door at this store for this lady with her kids and bags of stuff and she looked tired and so grateful just to not have to fight with a door and smiled and said thank you... or the other of letting someone go first in line cause they only have 2 or 3 things and they had 20. Just little things to make people smile and say thank you. I found this gave just as great a feeling. Which goes to show you really that it doesn't take big things to make a persons day better. It can be big or very small but the feeling is still the same. One can effect 1 person and it spreads with them or it can be a lot of people and spread from there. The important part is that it does!

So I was feeling really great like I had started all of this and look at the good I did and then I had to laugh.. I didn't do any of it. I just planted the seed they did all the work so I set out to not only dare people to take the chance to notice people and do good I had put up or shut up too lol. So I did and I called a few people I had not in a long while and asked how are you and set up a night to go out with a few of them and going to make it my treat. An I took the time to be nice to people at work and at the store and smile more. An it felt so great! I got to thinking I don't want to live this life just doing this once in awhile I want to live my life doing this everyday. It didn't take away from my life at all. I didn't run out of time on anything cause I took those extra moments. I added so much though! I added smiles and laughter. The joy of seeing people happy. The energy and focus of feeling you are doing exactly what you should be doing an I wouldn't go back and take any of it back.

Well with all this I sat down to blog and I was talking to a friend and they told me that today without knowing anything of my day till I was just telling them. That they stopped to get drinks and there was a homeless person and didn't have change so gave them a 20 just to be nice out the blue and felt good for it. Then going inside an waiting in line someone said I will get this and everyones stuff in line. Just to be kind and make there day. That surprised me and made me so happy at the same time cause all the guy said was help someone else tomorrow. I would like to thank my friend Sam for this story cause it made me almost more happy then all the others. To know there is other people out there doing what I wanted to today. Inspire people to care for others without gain other then feeling good and like you made someones day so they maybe pass it along.

I think the best thing that can be taken away from this blog and all of this is that it shouldn't take a dare or something great to happen to you for you to do something for others. You can be the start of it. An you can add it to each day and soon you will not even have to think to do it. Sure there is bad in the world but if more people put that aside and didn't let that hold them back from being good to others. There would be a lot less bad and a lot more good! We watch the news an it is all bring attention to the bad mostly... 25 stories of horror for 3 of good... I would love to watch the news and see those numbers reversed! It can be if we all just take the time to do the little things that can grow to big.

I feel a little less lost today. I am starting to feel I'm getting a feeling of being where I should be and doing what I should. The feeling is great and I love it! I'm so excited to see what is next! I hope that reading this may help you want to go and do the same as the people in this blog. So you can see for yourself just how amazing the feeling is to give. :)

Thank you for reading.

Lost Wisconsin Girl

A day at a time is all you can do

It has been a few days since I have wrote on here and I am going to try to not do that anymore. I am going to save time and spare the details but I have not had a way to write for a few days but I am back now. Did yall miss me? LOL!

Well I guess I can say I am doing good today. I'm really starting to get used to just letting life come and taking it for what it is. I would love to say my life is one excitement after another but it is not. I kind of like that it is not though. I like what it is. I'm enjoying it for what it is the good and the bad. I have faced a lot of my fears and have found I truely like myself more then I had thought. I'm not holding on to what I should of done or could have done. I'm doing what I can do and I'm enjoying what I do have. I guess you could say I'm triying to know what I have before it is gone. An no longer miss out on life spending it on the what if.

I also realized where I thought I didnt care what people thought I cared so much I didnt even realized it. I lived my life in fear of being myself and speaking out cause I would hurt peoples feelings or I would be looked at as something bad. I took the risk finally and spoke out though and that didnt happen. All that was just a unrealistic fear that I had created in my mind. I hurt myslef and others more by thinking they would be that way and if I wouldnt have I would of never went through that.

My voice is back and it is louder then ever. I have started reaching out more to people and speaking my story on here and a few other places I will soon have links to on here. I have started to unclutter my life and really starting to enjoy it. Both my mind and my actual things. I had a storage building that is now empty and going to be saving money there. I was holding on to stuff that was not worth holding on to and was time to let it go. Time to let go of all the things holding me back.

I am braver then I ever thought I was and I have been thinking on that a lot lately. I left home and all I knew for a chance to be happy. I'm here in Texas cause I thought it was right and I took that chance. I do all these things and spend so much thought on crazy ideas and goofy side. Taking so much time to not to be me and to be all these things for everyone else and to make people happy if I just step back. Look at the world and everything around me. Clean out my mind and my life I could do so much and be so happy with me.

I have to say I know now I dont need anyone to make me happy. I dont need aproval from anyone but me. No longer to do I fear speaking my mind cause as long as they are honest words from me. As long as I stick to my moral compas than I cant go wrong. The minute I stop doing that I will be letting down myself first and everyone else cause I'm not thinking them good enough to be myself for. No more will I do that to me and the people that care about me. I'm not going to short change myself and them any longer. I can be a great person. I do have a big heart and want to be a help to people I care for. There is so many things I want to do and the best way to do that is be myself and just go and do it! No fear and no slowing!

Everyday I wake up smiling and wondering what next. Good and bad things happen sure but one thing is and will keep making me smile is the fact that there is a tomorrow. I'm living my life and I'm no longer holding back. So come what may I am ready for it.

Finding something new at every turn

Well I have to say I am kind of in awe of this all. I know I set out to do a blog and really try to find me but I didn't think it would get so much of reaction. Not from other people and certainly not from myself. Thank you to all that have read my blogs to this point and who will read this one. Your words and comments after have made me feel more proud of myself then I can ever remember. An today I felt happy to be who I am. I have really been afraid of me and to speak out for so long I didn't realize the weight I was holding on my back. An I feel a bit free from it today. I was in shock and it may seem like why am I in shock? I should know this would happen but I didn't. I spent so long if fear of reactions. I had in my mind that when I got them there was no way they could or would be good ones. I have to say I feel more love and caring from people then I have since I don't know when or really ever. I think I am starting to truly see what the words mean I love you or I care about you... I think for a long time I thought they were just that words. I see they are not just that. If you open yourself up people will surprise you and show you that the words can have meaning.

That takes me to this blog. I felt so good this morning when I read the first reactions to my blogs. I cried so much. Just simple words healing me and tears of joy. I feel like me finding myself is not going to break me and there will be hard days but now I am not alone in this. I really never was alone in it. I just refused to see it. The next thing I got was the emails of people saying I had helped them so much in there lives and that they are happy to see me finally take care of myself and open up. I didn't realize I had touched so many people and I have always thought I was so bad but so many people saw the good in me. I guess I have a bigger heart then I thought.

I kind of joked when I started this blog and named it the lost Wisconsin girl but I didn't know it then just how true the words would be. I really was lost in a place in my mind I had convinced myself was as good as it would ever get. That there was no way to turn back around and connect myself of the past with who I want to be. Now I am starting to have that and there is tears of joy as I write this now. This blog is a piece of me and I am taking it out for all to see. I don't want to be the shy girl anymore. I want to be the happy girl full of life that people can see. So many times I have heard there is something about me. A spark that can inspire them or I am so smart and I can reach people. I want to feel that. I want to see who they see. No more going thanks and going what do they see? I am starting too and the confidence in me today is so high I cant wait to see what tomorrow will bring to me!

Well it is almost 4 am again lol. Seems like it is the best time for me to write and inspiration is at its best. It is probably the quiet of just sitting here with the window open with the silence and the cold winter air ... yes I am a crazy wrapped in a blanket with the window open when it is 17 degrees out but I love the smells and the crisp air... it calms me and makes me able write from the heart. Slows my thinking. :)

Well in closing to this blog thanks to all of you for your words and for your caring and showing me I am on the right path here. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life. I am truly not as alone as I had thought.

Till the next blog,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

Being strong enough

Tonight I did something that some maybe would say was not a smart thing to do. Telling me that it was not worth it to put myself through it. Yet I did and now I feel great that I did! Not because I am okay with the past. I have a lot of letting go to do I think yet cause the anger was still there. No I am happy tonight cause it made me realize something that I do have the right to not worry about holding back and not doing something out of fear. I am no longer a scared girl. I have no fear of speaking my mind and my feelings. To hold feelings in and fear reactions is to deny yourself your the chance to be you for people to see. It is also denying people the right to know the truth of what has happened and what you think of it.

To be honest this was not going to be my next blog or even a part of it I thought but when it happened tonight I felt I had to write about it. I was abused I said before and well today I decided to look at my abuser. He is a family member an for those who know me well enough to know this person is going to know who I am talking about. My oldest brother. He abused me in many ways for a very long time. I will not go into how or the whys of this other then to say he took a lot of my childhood and made me retreat into my thoughts. I remember my life growing up as one scary long nightmare that I hid within myself. It was not a life it was a survival of hell. Yet I bet if I ask most of my family I don't even know if they would realize I was that far lost or even that I was not happy? I was weird and quirky and got a quick wit that hid my real feelings. I created worlds with my mind. Memories that were not real to fill the place of reality. Sometimes I am not even sure if some of my good memories are real I have lost so very much!

Well with all that today I decided and felt I needed to look at his facebook. I was instantly filled with anger! Not at seeing him.. He is just him and I no longer fear him and if somehow he reads this I NO LONGER FEAR YOU! So say what you say and count your lucky stars your father saved you from me putting you in jail... that is another story I will maybe later touch on as I talk to my dad more but for now this is not about him... No today I looked and I seen my brother is friends against abuse and child abuse. I was abused by him as a child. He is a psycho and he abused me in so many ways.... hundreds of times... So no longer to be a victim I am writing them and saying to them to please remove him from there page as he is NOT against it and he has been the CAUSE of abuse. I will not sit by and let myself fear what comes of speaking of this. I have no fear and have done no wrong!

If this is family reading this and is confused please feel free to ask me about it and I will be honest cause I am not ashamed and I should not be! I didn't ask to be abused or hurt. I did nothing wrong to deserve it. I am not evil and I didn't ask for it. I was abused by 2 people in my life... this was the 2nd and will be the last. I am strong and I will never stand by and let someone hurt me ever again!

Well this is really a random blog lol. I was going to write next about the fact that I was moving forward today with some work things and stood up for myself a bit today and didn't let my past self doubt keep me from speaking my mind to someone but I felt this blog was a lot more important to write! NO person should be abused woman or man. Most of all no child should ever have to suffer. There is no reason for it and all those that do need to face there crimes. If not by law though they will have to face themselves for what they have done... an they have to face god. I hope that he can deal with that cause I don't have to anymore. I have a voice and I am no longer afraid to be me and use it! If you don't like this well you don't have to read my blogs. Those who do though and agree with me then please feel free to comment and read my blogs to come on this and all the others that will come on this road to becoming a stronger woman and a better person. For me and for those that have stood by me while I have gone though this and have forgiven me for being so lost. An stand by me as I find my way out the woods and to being free and who I am meant to be!

Thanks again for reading,

Lost Wisconsin Girl

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

A site to help stop child abuse! IT IS REAL AND IT CAN HAPPEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Do not be blind to it and do not just let it go... save a child from a life that is no life at all. Thank you!

Inspiration an the start of it all...

I wanted to start this blog with a great starting point an really give it a good start. An I was waiting all day for the inspiration and idea to come to me only to realize one thing. I already had that when I started to write this blog in the first place! So I will start with when I thought of writing this blog. An I thought I would take the time with this blog to talk about what led me to start it. I have for many years been away from my family and not really talked to them. I guess there is just some things that are just really hard in life. An you can chose to 1 of 2 things. You can face it and see how it goes or try to run from it. I thought I was facing it and just leaving but I was not facing it. I ran away from it all. I left Wisconsin and went to Texas and tried to make a life without my past.

Well now looking back I know you cant just start a life at 19 years old. You have lived all those years and they are a part of you and so are the people. Those days all happened and cant take them back. I was struggling to build a life on a empty space that was where my past should of been and it just fell in a hole. You cant build a life that way at all.

Well recently I started using my computer on of all things facebook. An really surprised myself when I really started to enjoy having it and then my family started to add me on it... I have not talked to most of them in so long... some since I left for Texas the first time. An others even long. I even connected with a few old friends. I was shocked that I could actually talk to them but it also brought up a lot of past pains. All I went through that happened while I was growing up. Sure there was a lot of good times and laughs and that is what they remember. I remember them too but I also remembered the bad that most of them had no clue had happened. I am not going to get into this part much but I will say there was abuse in my past and it is mixed in with the good. I will maybe explain this more in my blogs later but for now it is going to stay at that.

Well as my emotions came up with all of this I started to see just how far down a hole I was an it really got to me. I started to see the wrong choice I was making and how I was treating myself and life and really I didn't like it. I realized for a long time I didn't even like myself. I pushed good people out my life constantly and tried to hide behind the excuse that I was not good. I never thought I really felt I was a bad person till I realized something. When I said I was evil or bad I wanted people to say yes you are! When they didn't I was really trying to get them convinced I was!! I was not joking. I really was lost. I had come to Texas to find myself and was more lost then I had ever thought. So I stopped dead. I had hurt good people I really did care for and had been there for me. I hurt people I had feelings for and I hurt myself at every turn!

Well I just stopped and I thought I was so far down in the hole I had made for myself and running trying to keep up a life of hiding myself and feelings in many ways. I thought there was no way back out of it. Where could I even start! I didn't even know an I cried my eyes out and I just said know what... it starts with one letter and one person. I got on the computer and I just sat there... looking at the blank screen. I put up messenger and one person was on. I talked to her and she just said start with talking from your heart and it will come. So I started a very long email to someone very important to me I had been holding back and not being honest to about a lot of things! Just keeping it all in. Well it was time to be free of it all and find out once and for all if I could face it all and be me... An I can!

I sent the email and started to learn some things about myself! I started to talk to everyone I know and just being so honest. It felt so good! I am starting to get my life together. I have a long ways to go yet but that was the start. So as time is going from this about a month ago now things have gotten better. I talk to my family a lot and for Christmas I did something big I talked to my dad. I have faced the past enough to say I am ready to build the life with my past and my future ahead of me. An that's what started this blog. I am going to make this the road to being me. I don't want to be the lost girl in Texas anymore. I want to be the girl from Wisconsin at HOME in Texas. No more lost girl. The road will be long and not easy. Yet that is okay cause that is what is going to make the end worth the trip down it. So here we go and I am glad I am getting to share this with all that reads. Welcome to my story and I hope you enjoy as I go this path to find myself!

Thanks for reading,
Lost Wisconsin Girl

The first blog

My first BLOG!!!!

Well here goes I guess I should start with why I am even doing this blog. I have always loved writing is the first reason. The second I guess is I have been going through a lot of finding out who I am lately and dealing with a lot of change. I have loved writing on my myspace and facebook and decided why don't I really do it and write a real blog. I don't know if you will find what I have to say worth reading. I am writing it mostly for me and if anyone else enjoys it well I am glad. Let me know if you do or don't. I cant say it will change what I write like if you don't like what I say. I am not going to change my life to make your reading better but sometimes it is good to hear the good and the bad to make you see what you don't. Well as for the name of this blog yes I am a Wisconsin girl and I have been in Texas since I was 19 years old. It only seems like yesterday that I got to Texas. An time has just gone so fast that I cant even believe it! That is how I got the name for this blog. It seems like I have been just lost and drifting along since I got here so many years ago. I left Wisconsin to get away and escape my past but lately it has finally started to find me even all the way down here in Texas... So I guess I am lost in Texas but life is finding me even here... As the past catches up to me an I try to figure out just who I am. I'm slowly trying to find my way to being happy. I guess you could say that yes I am lost in Texas but this blog will be the road to finding out who I am and where I belong. So I am no longer the girl from Wisconsin lost in Texas!Enjoy and please comment! Thanks,Lost Wisconsin Girl