Tonight I did something that some maybe would say was not a smart thing to do. Telling me that it was not worth it to put myself through it. Yet I did and now I feel great that I did! Not because I am okay with the past. I have a lot of letting go to do I think yet cause the anger was still there. No I am happy tonight cause it made me realize something that I do have the right to not worry about holding back and not doing something out of fear. I am no longer a scared girl. I have no fear of speaking my mind and my feelings. To hold feelings in and fear reactions is to deny yourself your the chance to be you for people to see. It is also denying people the right to know the truth of what has happened and what you think of it.
To be honest this was not going to be my next blog or even a part of it I thought but when it happened tonight I felt I had to write about it. I was abused I said before and well today I decided to look at my abuser. He is a family member an for those who know me well enough to know this person is going to know who I am talking about. My oldest brother. He abused me in many ways for a very long time. I will not go into how or the whys of this other then to say he took a lot of my childhood and made me retreat into my thoughts. I remember my life growing up as one scary long nightmare that I hid within myself. It was not a life it was a survival of hell. Yet I bet if I ask most of my family I don't even know if they would realize I was that far lost or even that I was not happy? I was weird and quirky and got a quick wit that hid my real feelings. I created worlds with my mind. Memories that were not real to fill the place of reality. Sometimes I am not even sure if some of my good memories are real I have lost so very much!
Well with all that today I decided and felt I needed to look at his facebook. I was instantly filled with anger! Not at seeing him.. He is just him and I no longer fear him and if somehow he reads this I NO LONGER FEAR YOU! So say what you say and count your lucky stars your father saved you from me putting you in jail... that is another story I will maybe later touch on as I talk to my dad more but for now this is not about him... No today I looked and I seen my brother is friends against abuse and child abuse. I was abused by him as a child. He is a psycho and he abused me in so many ways.... hundreds of times... So no longer to be a victim I am writing them and saying to them to please remove him from there page as he is NOT against it and he has been the CAUSE of abuse. I will not sit by and let myself fear what comes of speaking of this. I have no fear and have done no wrong!
If this is family reading this and is confused please feel free to ask me about it and I will be honest cause I am not ashamed and I should not be! I didn't ask to be abused or hurt. I did nothing wrong to deserve it. I am not evil and I didn't ask for it. I was abused by 2 people in my life... this was the 2nd and will be the last. I am strong and I will never stand by and let someone hurt me ever again!
Well this is really a random blog lol. I was going to write next about the fact that I was moving forward today with some work things and stood up for myself a bit today and didn't let my past self doubt keep me from speaking my mind to someone but I felt this blog was a lot more important to write! NO person should be abused woman or man. Most of all no child should ever have to suffer. There is no reason for it and all those that do need to face there crimes. If not by law though they will have to face themselves for what they have done... an they have to face god. I hope that he can deal with that cause I don't have to anymore. I have a voice and I am no longer afraid to be me and use it! If you don't like this well you don't have to read my blogs. Those who do though and agree with me then please feel free to comment and read my blogs to come on this and all the others that will come on this road to becoming a stronger woman and a better person. For me and for those that have stood by me while I have gone though this and have forgiven me for being so lost. An stand by me as I find my way out the woods and to being free and who I am meant to be!
Thanks again for reading,
Lost Wisconsin Girl
A site to help stop child abuse! IT IS REAL AND IT CAN HAPPEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Do not be blind to it and do not just let it go... save a child from a life that is no life at all. Thank you!
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