Inspiration an the start of it all...

I wanted to start this blog with a great starting point an really give it a good start. An I was waiting all day for the inspiration and idea to come to me only to realize one thing. I already had that when I started to write this blog in the first place! So I will start with when I thought of writing this blog. An I thought I would take the time with this blog to talk about what led me to start it. I have for many years been away from my family and not really talked to them. I guess there is just some things that are just really hard in life. An you can chose to 1 of 2 things. You can face it and see how it goes or try to run from it. I thought I was facing it and just leaving but I was not facing it. I ran away from it all. I left Wisconsin and went to Texas and tried to make a life without my past.

Well now looking back I know you cant just start a life at 19 years old. You have lived all those years and they are a part of you and so are the people. Those days all happened and cant take them back. I was struggling to build a life on a empty space that was where my past should of been and it just fell in a hole. You cant build a life that way at all.

Well recently I started using my computer on of all things facebook. An really surprised myself when I really started to enjoy having it and then my family started to add me on it... I have not talked to most of them in so long... some since I left for Texas the first time. An others even long. I even connected with a few old friends. I was shocked that I could actually talk to them but it also brought up a lot of past pains. All I went through that happened while I was growing up. Sure there was a lot of good times and laughs and that is what they remember. I remember them too but I also remembered the bad that most of them had no clue had happened. I am not going to get into this part much but I will say there was abuse in my past and it is mixed in with the good. I will maybe explain this more in my blogs later but for now it is going to stay at that.

Well as my emotions came up with all of this I started to see just how far down a hole I was an it really got to me. I started to see the wrong choice I was making and how I was treating myself and life and really I didn't like it. I realized for a long time I didn't even like myself. I pushed good people out my life constantly and tried to hide behind the excuse that I was not good. I never thought I really felt I was a bad person till I realized something. When I said I was evil or bad I wanted people to say yes you are! When they didn't I was really trying to get them convinced I was!! I was not joking. I really was lost. I had come to Texas to find myself and was more lost then I had ever thought. So I stopped dead. I had hurt good people I really did care for and had been there for me. I hurt people I had feelings for and I hurt myself at every turn!

Well I just stopped and I thought I was so far down in the hole I had made for myself and running trying to keep up a life of hiding myself and feelings in many ways. I thought there was no way back out of it. Where could I even start! I didn't even know an I cried my eyes out and I just said know what... it starts with one letter and one person. I got on the computer and I just sat there... looking at the blank screen. I put up messenger and one person was on. I talked to her and she just said start with talking from your heart and it will come. So I started a very long email to someone very important to me I had been holding back and not being honest to about a lot of things! Just keeping it all in. Well it was time to be free of it all and find out once and for all if I could face it all and be me... An I can!

I sent the email and started to learn some things about myself! I started to talk to everyone I know and just being so honest. It felt so good! I am starting to get my life together. I have a long ways to go yet but that was the start. So as time is going from this about a month ago now things have gotten better. I talk to my family a lot and for Christmas I did something big I talked to my dad. I have faced the past enough to say I am ready to build the life with my past and my future ahead of me. An that's what started this blog. I am going to make this the road to being me. I don't want to be the lost girl in Texas anymore. I want to be the girl from Wisconsin at HOME in Texas. No more lost girl. The road will be long and not easy. Yet that is okay cause that is what is going to make the end worth the trip down it. So here we go and I am glad I am getting to share this with all that reads. Welcome to my story and I hope you enjoy as I go this path to find myself!

Thanks for reading,
Lost Wisconsin Girl